Always overthinking everything

I'm so tired today.  Maybe it's because I went on a mini bar crawl last night.  At 4pm, Laura, Matt and I went to ABC for some microbrews, then to Connor O'neills for cocktails, then to Dolce Vita for scotch and cigars, and then on to the Arena for more cocktails and nachos.  All in all, fabulous night, but I'm a little sleepy today and a little out of it. 

Also, I swear, I cannot smoke a cigar to save my life.  Laura and Matt were cracking up watching me try. 

You'll be happy to know that I'm doing much better than I was in my last posting.  School ended, I graduated.  Work is going well, I really like my job.  It's different every single day and I have so much flexibility over my schedule, I absolutely love it. 

Basically, the thing that has been occupying my thoughts lately is Josh and I's relationship.  I'm getting bored.  I hate to admit it to myself, but I'm so fucking bored.  I think it's mainly because Josh is in a crabby mood lately with work being so exhausting for him.  I need something to occupy me I think.  I've had too much time on my hands just to sit there and think, almost obsessively. 

I just want more.  But I'm not sure who needs to give me more...  myself?  or josh? 

Basically, I’m really agitated right now.  I’m stressed and fed up with school and I’m just fricken tired.  Tired beyond belief.  I’m not sure if it has been building up or not, but literally, just yesterday and today, I have been an emotional mess and ripped josh’s head off and cried myself to sleep last night, and proceeded to cry ABOUT ripping his head off within a half hour of getting up this morning.  Seriously, that’s ridiculous. 

I found out my friend Andrea is having twin boys.  Part of me is envious about how she is starting a family of her own.  However, the other part of me, is not so envious because of all the invitations to fun activities I get to do because I don’t have kids to hold me back.  Double-edged sword I guess. 

All of today, I’ve had this significant pounding in my ears.  Motrin is not helping and all I want to do is crawl into bed.  I might just do that. 

15 minutes later… 

I just talked to Kaytee and she is telling me that the pounding in my ears is from having high blood pressure/stress/anxiety.  Yeah, no shit. 

30 minutes later… 

UGH.  My stats professor just told me I can’t take the exam early.  What a jerk.   Seriously, what a f-ing jerk.

Well, it's official.  I have at least one new job now.  Thank goodness.  

I had a stellar 4 hour long interview yesterday, and have another interview today at 1pm for an internal position.  I hope I am offered a position with the outside company. 

I'm running on nearly empty right now, but I think that will change soon.

Overall, I'm hanging in there and keeping a positive attitude about everything.

I've been reading a lot the past few months.  School books, pleasure reading, journals on the web, magazines, newspapers, you name it.  I've just been really eager to learn about different things.  Some spiritual, some health, some financial, some political.  I've really just been expanding what I'm interested in.  It's a really good thing because I find that more people interest me, and I always believe that learning from others' past experiences is one of the best ways to learn life lessons.

Enough philosophy. 

Lost is premiering tonight and I'm super excited! 

I might see the end in sight for this job hunt thing.  I really hope so.  I have some good feelings about this Enterprise job and am looking forward to what the future has to offer.  I need a change, a challenge, and fresh surroundings. 

My birthday was last week, and throughout all the bullshit that has been going on, I had an absolutely fabulous week.  I loved every second.  I love my friends, they are so wonderful.  Truly, they are fantastic, and I love that everyone made the effort to come out that day, and also for dinner on Tuesday.  I absolutely am not drinking this week, but man oh man, I had so much fun last week.  

Today is Blue Monday and I'm so annoyed.  I don't want to be here...  I don't like my job.  And I don't want to be here.  Have I mentioned that? 

I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and I'm just not into it today.  I'm going to make a list of everything I am grateful for, because I feel like I need some reminders right now.  These are in no particular order.

• I look good in this sweater
• I can pull off olive green eyeliner quite well
• tomorrow is my birthday
• I'm only at work 4 more hours and I don't have class tonight.  (Big hugs to MLK Day)
  
• I was able to fit in a workout today
• I'm unwrapping a gift tonight
• My boss isn't here today
• I don't live in Akron
• I have good friends
• Josh, while sometimes a stupid boy, is very good to me
• I went on a fun road trip this weekend
• My grandma's memorial went well, and now it is over.  No more worrying about grandma.
  
• I ate healthy so far today
• Mai weighs 147lbs which is pretty close to what I weigh, and I think she's a twig
• I'm healthy, for the most part

I suppose things aren't so bad, but good lord, I do not want to be at work today.  I'm so tired of all my clients complaining about everything. *sigh*

I'm really overwhelmed right now.  I found out last Tuesday that the man who I reported for sexual harrassment is coming back to my office, and will be one of my managers.  You're asking, "WTF?  How is that right?"  Thank you.  My sentiments exactly. I was hysterical in the HR office, where I was told privately, and I said over and over again...  "How is this fair?"  Every night since then, I've been having dreams about work...  about how I'm failing at work, and about how the decisions I'm making are not right.  What I need to realize is that these are dreams...  these are my sub-conscious asking myself if I'm doing the right thing.  I need to listen to my sub-conscious about also take it with a grain of salt because it's just me, being open minded and trying to evaluate all options.  With each decision I make, I need to think of the worst possible result that could happen.  Because most likely...  it's not that big of a deal.

For example:

Q: What is the worst possible thing that could happen by taking all 5 days of bereavement?
A: Steve could be pissy.  Josh could think i'm running away from what's happening at work.  I could be held to a higher expectation for the month of January since I would be taking 8 days off total. 

Is any of this really that bad?  I deal with Steve's pissy attitude all the time.  Josh and I disagree frequently, but that is what makes us different from one another and interesting.  So i'll be held to a higher expectation?  Big deal.  According to company policy, I do get 5 days off for bereavement.  Plain and simple.  I'm not doing anything out of the ordinary. 

Q: What is the worst possible thing that could happen if I don't find a way to be happy?
A:  I'll drive myself nuts.  Also, I'll upset my friends and family by letting the depression get to me.  I'll end up back in therapy.  This isn't horrible, but I don't really want to go to therapy again.  I need to learn to use the tools that they taught me to deal with my problems and not run away.  Running away is my big thing.  I love to run away from a problem and start drinking and smoking too much.  I need to avoid that this time. 

Okay...   here we go...  the two big questions that were weighing on my mind definitely have some answers and some solutions to fixing them.  That is a definite good thing. 

Oh yeah...  and then there is the issue of dealing with my grandmother's death last Friday morning.  I think what I want to do is spend some time, and perhaps do a posting, of all my good memories that I had of her over the years.  Her death was not sad.  What was sad was the amount of time she spent living in so much mental anguish and physical pain.  I hated see her become someone that was so angry and so resentful towards everyone.  She wasn't even recognizable at the end.  It was so difficult to watch. 

Now I have a plan.  My plan this week is to a) forget about work and the stress that resides there b) do everything in my power to make myself happy and c) remember all of the good things about my grandma.